PAPOTAGE

Immigration has always been a menace to this land we now call a nation. Centuries of immigration have proven this. Just think of all the poor buffalo and birds and bushes and bi-valves hunted, gathered, and consumed by the first omnivorous bipeds to first inhabit this country, desperate men and women who took advantage of the last Ice Age to sneak across from Asia. Ponder how the ancestors of our founding fathers then destroyed the first settlers and how their cancerous spawn went on to obliterate what the Native Americans hadn’t quite gotten around to: whole forests, rivers, lakes, wetlands, the remaining buffalo, birds, bushes, bi-valves.

Near obliteration of a so-called “indigenous” people is easy to conjure, sure. But there’s no need to conjure the almost complete annihilation of this continent’s natural eco-system (through the course of milli-centuries in the scheme of things). Just look out your window.

I speak as one of the concerned cancerous spawn of this nation’s most successful immigrants. On my father’s side I can trace my lineage back to a signer of the Declaration of Independence. On my mother’s, I can name 18th Century emigrants from the Netherlands and 19th Century Bohemia. If I were to catalogue the death and destruction wreaked by my ancestors alone, the double-dealing and lack of documentation, I would no doubt be horrified. But as an American would I be ashamed?

Lately, Congress and a so-called “elected” president have been sounding off the on the many options and opinions to control or even stop altogether the flow of immigration into this country. Herewith, I humbly toss some prime ideas into the debate, some fuel for the cultural bonfire heating up our nation’s capital and our flickering southern border states.

First, I must admit, I take this strategy straight from William F. Buckley’s old playbook: good old branding (before branding became something that multi-national conglomerates did to make you drink more soda, smoke more cigarettes, and suck up more oil). This is how it works: anyone who chooses to be a legal citizen of the United States will be tattooed with the appropriate symbols of their respective nations—so we not only know who’s legal and who’s not, but so that those of us who are already legal can more easily categorize and characterize the newly legalized, from a safe distance.

Newly-born children of legalized immigrants and undocumented workers shall be branded as well—straight out of the womb—so that they receive the appropriate medical treatment and education from our nation’s federally funded hospitals and schools. Instead of the half-assed schooling and health-care given to those of us who are currently, and on the majority born, U.S. citizens, they would receive one-third-, or perhaps even one-quarter-assed attention.

Ultimately, however, what seems to me the best idea won’t be found in any new bill before Congress, in declaring amnesty, or building walls, not even branding and tattooing (despite their huge popularity). Let those who choose to become citizens of this country work for it like my ancestors did. Let them overpower us with hatred and guns and disease (pox-lined blankets work nicely) and enslave, torture, marginalize, and kill us for this land. Then, let them bulldoze over our dead bodies and name streets, subdivisions, and sports teams after us. That’s immigration, the American way.